Making good what I've got...

For many years now the mirror has not been my friend from the chest down.

I physically feel ill when I catch I glimpse of my naked body in the bathroom mirror and this has become particularly worse since having L.

My body between my hips and my thighs has always repulsed me as my stomach has always overhung - I'm not talking a small pouch of fat, but a serious droop, something the medical community endearingly calls 'A Mother's Apron'. I hate it!

I've dieted before and tried to reduce it - it's worked a bit but I have no real stomach muscle tone to help - less do since L!

I have had a problem with weight since I had kidney failure as a small child and no amount of healthy eating (we were never brought up to eat anything but good nutritious home cooked food) has helped and since my teens weight has always accumulated on my lower stomach. Weight will fall off everywhere but the stomach remains and with my C-Section scar now acting as a ledge, I am beginning to wonder if once this diet/eating programme and exercise have done their bit, whether I will need to consider surgery.

It's not to be entered lightly, both because of the medical implications of abdominal surgery but also the financial ones too - could I really justify what would be a small fortune to fix a problem that only really affects me?

It isn't just for cosmetic purposes I'd do this, yes I want to be able to have my photo taken without feeling repulsed when I look back - I truly regret not having a single photo taken when pregnant with L,. But I also want to feel physically comfortable to be able to partake in sports/play with L, enjoy a cuddle without my stomach feeling like its getting in the way!

D says he looks past my stomach and that it's never been an issue for him in finding me attractive, I simply say until now its never been this bad! He says wishes he could fix it for me simply to make me happy and help me be the confident happy girl he fell for. I say the poor man deals with so much!

He certainly didn't sign up for half the issues that my health has brought over the last five years - because of having ME/CFS which zaps energy, attacks the immune system and plays havoc with my moods to name a few of it's favourite games!

Still we battle on and the decision whether to eventually have surgery will be one that we make as a together because it will effect us as a family - especially if we want to have more children as from what I have read they recommend doing all your child bearing first.

Does this mean I will continue to hide from cameras if pregnant in the future? Who knows! All I do know is that I am determined that by next year when I glimpse myself in the mirror when naked, I will at least be able to say 'I'm not perfect but I'm making good what I've got!" rather than turning away as fast as possible and wish I hadn't looked!


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